my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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