I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
