He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
