Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
