He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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