sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Operation Purity has been aborted
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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