So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
