I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
50% drunk capacity currently
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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