He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete