Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
