The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
