Betty ford says i'm here all night
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
