The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
