if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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