Already got asked if we're dating
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
