i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
