she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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