Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dude. I can hear the air.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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