It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
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My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
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The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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