I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
