How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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