Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
