Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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