When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
