is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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