You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
