it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
