Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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