I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
