Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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