Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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