The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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