This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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