i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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