there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
