I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
