Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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