I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
