Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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