omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
