So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
