Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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