My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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