Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
