I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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