omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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