can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
