i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Randomize
