My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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