The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Randomize