I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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