Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
