The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
