I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
