Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
