i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
