i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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